My Story - Fighting for the underdog

Pain is where I found purpose

Like so many people, my story is complicated, and full of ups and downs. Throughout elementary school my family moved around a lot, but I was always singled out as "the smartest kid", and "the best athlete" in the school. I was popular with the boys and the girls, and well behaved around adults. Everyone believed I was destined for greatness. Nobody would've guessed that just a couple of years later I'd basically be thrown away by the world.

I started experiencing deep depression, became socially withdrawn, and began rapidly losing interest in school. I started having physical health problems; frequent debilitating migraine headaches and persistent stomach problems that caused me to miss a lot of school and sports. My first migraine was so bad that I passed out from the pain and went to the emergency room. Doctors initially feared I’d suffered an aneurysm.

I started having behavioral problems and became very defiant and rebellious.

By early 8th grade my life was out of control. I was failing all my classes, ditching school, and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I didn’t have very many friends. I started visiting a psychiatrist, but I wasn’t responding to treatments, so I was pulled out of school and sports and hospitalized for mental health issues. The rest of my teenage years were constant chaos, depression, trouble, and I eventually dropped out high school.

My adult life was an endless cycle of flashing incredible potential and ability only to crash spectacularly. My talent and personality always got me another shot. My messed up brain always ruined that shot. What I know now is 50% of lifelong mental illness begins before the age of 14. Mental illness has completely ruined my life, but I'm still here. The odds say I shouldn't be. I'm part of the absolute highest risk group for suicide, but I know I'm here to help others who have also been thrown away. The underdogs.

Mental illness in children is very poorly understood and there are few resources available. I'll continue to advocate for research, education, and awareness, so that kids like me get the help that I didn't.

I walked around for almost 30 years feeling like a loser and failure no matter what I did, because I created an identity of "athlete" as a very young child and never came close to living up to my expectations of what I was "supposed" to accomplish in sports. I blamed myself because I didn't understand the role my brain was playing the mental and physical health issues that undermined my opportunities.

It's talked about a lot how difficult "transition" is for athletes. What isn't talked about is why the typical transition focus doesn't work. Transition culture is like changing clothes and pretending that makes you a different person. It's taking off one mask and putting on another one. It doesn't get to the core of who you are.

Athlete discovery and expansion is the mission. Discovery and expansion of identity, purpose, and growth entirely separate from the experience in athletics. I have unfinished business as a leader of athletes. It didn't happen on the field like I envisioned, but I'm grateful to be in a position to support the development of athlete leadership and greatness beyond sports.